A foundational lens for understanding how we connect, protect, and relate—across our lifespan.
What Is an Attachment Style?
An attachment style refers to the unique way we form emotional bonds and respond to closeness, safety, and separation in relationships—especially under stress. It shapes how we give and receive love, how we trust (or don’t), and how we regulate emotions in connection with others.
Our attachment style is often formed in early childhood—but it doesn’t stay static. With reflection, support, and safe relationships, it can evolve.
🧠 Origins: Where Do Attachment Styles Come From?
The concept of attachment comes from Attachment Theory, developed by British psychiatrist John Bowlby in the 1950s. Bowlby believed that a child’s relationship with their primary caregiver has a profound effect on emotional development and future relationships.
Building on his work, developmental psychologist Mary Ainsworth designed a groundbreaking study called The Strange Situation in the 1970s.
🔬 The Strange Situation Study
In this study, infants (aged 12–18 months) were observed in a lab setting as their caregiver left the room and then returned. Researchers paid close attention to how the infants responded to both the caregiver’s departure and return.
From this, Ainsworth identified three primary attachment styles:
- Secure Attachment
- Anxious-Ambivalent (now often called Anxious)
- Avoidant Attachment
Later, researchers added a fourth:
- Disorganized Attachment
🧒 Attachment Styles in Childhood
- Secure Attachment: The caregiver is consistently responsive and attuned. The child feels safe to explore and returns to the caregiver for comfort.
- Anxious Attachment: The caregiver is inconsistent—sometimes nurturing, sometimes withdrawn. The child becomes clingy, unsure when support will arrive.
- Avoidant Attachment: The caregiver is emotionally distant or dismissive. The child learns to self-soothe and suppress needs.
- Disorganized Attachment: The caregiver is a source of both comfort and fear (e.g., abuse or trauma). The child experiences confusion and lacks a clear strategy for seeking closeness.
🧑🤝🧑 Attachment Styles in Adulthood
Attachment styles show up differently in adult relationships, but the roots are the same. Here’s how they often translate:
- Secure Attachment: Comfort with closeness and autonomy. Able to trust, express needs, and engage in healthy repair after conflict.
- Anxious Attachment: Fear of abandonment. High sensitivity to emotional changes. May appear “needy” or overly focused on relationship dynamics.
- Avoidant Attachment: Fear of dependence. Suppresses vulnerability. May withdraw emotionally or struggle to open up.
- Disorganized Attachment: Wants connection but fears it. Often holds both anxious and avoidant patterns. May seem hot-and-cold or emotionally unpredictable.
💔 How Attachment Styles Impact Relationships
Your attachment style can influence:
- How quickly you trust others
- How you respond to conflict
- Whether you fear abandonment or engulfment
- How you express needs (or suppress them)
- How safe or triggered you feel in intimacy
Understanding your attachment style is not about boxing yourself in. It’s about increasing self-awareness so you can grow in relationship with yourself and others.
🧭 Can Attachment Styles Change?
Yes—attachment styles can shift over time through:
- Consistent, safe, emotionally attuned relationships
- Inner work and therapy
- Reflective practices (like journaling, parts work, or mindfulness)
- Trauma resolution or nervous system healing
The goal isn’t to “fix” yourself—it's to build more secure, flexible ways of relating.
🧪 Curious About Your Attachment Style?
You may be wondering, What’s my attachment style?
While online quizzes can offer insights, please note:
To be formally assessed, we recommend seeking a professional trained in the Adult Attachment Interview (AAI).
This clinical tool involves a structured, reflective interview and is considered the gold standard in attachment research.
Coming soon: Take our gentle, self-reflective quiz to explore your patterns and begin understanding your attachment story.